Living alone and How it feels?
I always wanted to live alone, even though living with my family is too much fun, especially when they laugh and have fun for no specific occasion or reason. But there were times when the inner me wanted to have some me time. In fact, I always knew I am a good manager just that I needed to be on my own to manage it at the first place.
I would either stay up late at night to write something in my diary, spend time alone by myself, look at the sky for quite sometime and just be lost in the present moment. Those moments were a must to feed my soul. I had a time when I would wake up early in the morning around 6 to walk in the park, make tea for myself and just sit with myself.
I wanted to have that full fledged time of the day just for me, but that would soon end when my parents would wake up.
When my job gave me an opportunity to come and live in a different city, it made me very excited. I still remember how happy I was at the airport departing, waving my hands to my mom and tauji. I was never fearful; I was very excited. I had to go to Bangalore first for my training for a month. There was not even a single day I felt I missed my home. Not because I didn’t love my parents, I love them to bits and pieces. But then there is an inner calling for everyone I guess and for me I had got wings when I came to Bangalore. I started enjoying every single thing. Even getting up in the morning, taking a bath, putting on a little makeup was making me too happy; I was around so many people and they were too good, friendly and always up with something. I used to observe everyone so much and be happy knowing more about them.
It just felt like I have started loving my life more, I didn’t want to go back in my past when I used to feel when I would never be able to feel this way. I had got the best placement of my college and I was super proud of myself. I would not say its only I who knows how it feels when your first love is lost, but for me my first love was SRCC (Shri Ram College of Commerce) and I was completely broken from inside. So broken, I would look for answers like crazy to know how I couldn’t get that college. I remember texting my teachers and asking if there was something I had left unprepared that I didn’t get. But even today I can proudly say that I did every single thing to get in that college. I still get so teary when I think of those days. I got so anxious and strange around that time, then when I found myself losing myself with this sadness, I held the grip and I thought I wanted to learn more and do something with my career that would make me happy to the core. I wanted to make myself happy and I felt keeping myself occupied with learning new things would help me with that. But deep down I used to feel so unsatisfied and unhappy, I felt I can never succeed to the level I dreamt of. I would feel I would never get placed in my college too because I didn’t have those many capabilities and also because I hated the course I was doing at my graduation.
Sometimes I did feel I had a hope that maybe someday things would be better. But I had stopped aiming higher things for myself. I stopped expecting good things would ever happen with me. But I never unloved myself, I always was grateful for whatever was happening and I made it a point to be grateful no matter what you are losing and that I will get everything I desire multiplied by many times.
Then it made me stronger, my days were spent laughing and whenever I would be sad, I would just count my blessings.
All these things that I went through, I was absolutely unprepared for ever and I thought I didn’t deserve it, but today I can proudly say that I am glad I still had hope and I kept working on myself at that time too.
When in January I was offered this job, I cried my eyes out, I was so happy and proud of myself. I never thought I would cry tears of joy like that. I was so hopeless somehow. I am short of words to describe that moment of life for me. I was so happy.
Now that I am here in Hyderabad, living by myself I am not shocked at how beautifully I am able to manage myself and be so happy too. Its not at all like it is very easy or I don’t have low moments in my life, I just feel God is preparing me for something that I am made for. Something that my mind can’t stop thinking about. Somewhere my heart has always seen myself standing at.
I have learnt to let things go easily; I have started taking things a little lightly. I have started to love myself more in a way that I can aim for higher and the best things again in my life.
I want to never stop learning; I never want to stop. I want to be the best in my profession and make an impact on lives of people. That’s my purpose. I am a little lazy sometimes but living alone has made me realize it more than anything else how being lazy would mean that you are losing out on opportunities. It is always the small things that matter and even if a small thing you postpone can make your life a little rough when you’re staying alone.
I am grateful for the way god made me, or my parents worked on me. I want to always be like this, and grow even more now. I don’t want to settle down for anything less in life. I want the best and I deserve the best.
Today, I won’t say I got the best placement offered to any student after graduation, but I know my own journey and I know I did my best and that’s what matters.
Living alone has also given me an opportunity to know what exactly my life should be like. How I want to be and what kind of people I want to surround myself with. What kind of personality I should have. I am still learning all these things; it is in the process and I know I will come back next year and write something like that.
Thankyou for hearing me out, if you are reading this, I would love it if you add your prayers to my hopes and blessings to me. Thanks a lot.