stars don't scream when they fall

there are certain things in life which are not severe enough to be coined as 'traumatic' yet they quietly influence the way you think, react, and see yourself.

the human mind is brilliantly obnoxious. it learns from every experience you have encountered and molds you into what it believes is the 'right' version of yourself. it adapts, evolves, and changes you—often without you even realizing it.

i've had friendships that made me question my self-worth, and friendships that made me love myself.
and now that i'm surrounded with good people, i thought my past didn't affect me anymore.

AND, i thought so—

i won't get into the specifics, but there are a few realizations I've had—things I believe everyone should understand at some point

if you've ever been talked over before or,

if you've ever been made to feel less or belittled or,

if you've ever had to earn your place in people's lives by being peformative,

then you've been in my position.

it starts to feel like- 'if this person finally sees me, listens to me, values me... it will heal something old'. you think they would finally notice you for who you are, would appreciate your talents and aknowledge it and so you wait for it to happen.
the 'it' never happens.
and when you think of leaving, it's already late. you're attached but hurting.

you're chasing a feeling of being heard and valued. someone can be "good at heart" and still be wrong for you. someone can be "not their fault" and still hurt you consistently.

~when you're with them, you're always hurting

both can exist at the same time.

there are flaws in everyone. but not every imperfections need to be accepted the way they are. not everyone will make you feel small, unheard and unsafe emotionally.

you will definitely find the right person. but only when you don't settle for less in the meantime.
so, you're not back at square one.

you're at a more aware version of yourself than before. and that matters.

healing isn't something which happens all at once. you don't "heal once and finish." you heal and then life brings situations that reopen the same wound to a depth that you've never seen for yourself.

so pleace, let them go. you can still like them and choose yourself. not everyone is inherently bad but they may be wrong for you.

you will find the right people. life tests you without expecting you to come out on top, and it rewards you even when you fail, because in the end, it's the experience that truly matters.